A Long Ponder

My face painted the sheer disappointment in my heart. My hope was dashed. The rapid blood pulsating in my vein stopped abruptly after the chairperson had announced the last semifinalist. I froze on my seat while pulling myself up from the tears that were about to wet my acne-scarred cheeks. The hall went into sudden silence when the first semifinalist spoke, but I was too shaken up to concentrate, confused and feeling unrest. I remained to listen to the rest of the speakers, some were impressive, but my attention deviated sometimes until I saw a friend of mine whom I have not seen for a long time.

* * *

The competition was over, but the heavy upset stomach still lingers. Whether it is the mistake that I had done, the inconsistent judges or how worthy the selected semifinalists to be given a chance to be on the stage one more time, they do not hold an utter value of importance right now.

Jia Jun suceeded doing his parents proud and impressed his brother whom is the finalist of last year's competition. This was his first major one, and I believed he did awesomely well as well. Congratulations Jun!

Jahui came unannounced, sitting right there analysing every aspect of the presenters as a professional speaker. I removed my bag along with myself to sit next to him, after all, we had plenty of catching-up's to do. With Samantha along; we sneered, joked, criticized, questioned - oh of course - and we bitched too. It alleviated my despair a little, but it returned quickly before I could inhale the next breath.

Considering we had not seen each other for a long time, Jahui's family invited me for dinner in a wonderful northern Indian Punjabi cuisine restaurant in Brickfields. I was delighted of course, and salvated upon staring at the array of candies displayed with the provoking aroma of the spices floating from the kitchen. Food was marvellous, enjoyed every bit of it - the Masala tea, fruity naan especially, stewed cheese in spinach sauce and others!

Conversation over the table is always diversified for the five of us - covering from politics, philosophy to global and sharing experience. This family that I know embodies the intellectual and knowledge progress of mankind. I have always been the least verbal contributor, for I admit that I know the least thing. The brothers are spurting philosophers and quotes that I have hardly heard of in one second, and another second, their parents seem to relate the conversation to the current happening issues or surrounding events that I have failed to notice. And the next, they are arguing about differential approach or interpretation of the philosophies and the ethics behind the issues that humanity is facing. Most people run away when encountering us, maybe because the air above our table is always filled with words that are nonsensically complexed with Greek and Latin syllables to them.

Jahui has all the while been the adventurous, knowledge-hungry and an exceptional young man. On the verge of completing his IB (International Baccalaureate), he was interviewed for the prestigious Wesleyan and Harvard scholarships. He has represented us in many corners of the world for forums, competitions, international programmes; and next month, he'll be in Beijing to meet Jane Goodall. He spells envy for us all, but of course, as a non-believer of luck, he has sweated no little, not to mention the increasing number of blackheads on his bright face and his almost resemblance to Jack Skellington. He devours books more quickly than leopards sprinting for preys, and his brain is no smaller than an average library filled with books - not in terms of size of course. Debate, public speaking, performing art, activism, knowledge quest, human interaction - he has even planned for his road trip somewhere above peninsular Malaysia despite his hectic schedule. He makes nerds sound cool. But I strongly detest the term 'nerd' - because being knowledgeable and engaging in the quest of searching for it entitle our brain to have proper and full function - and it's for everyone.

I, on the other hand, was lost even at the mere conservations with him and Jun over the table. And I believe being no less busy than he is, I really find it hard to allocate time for other stuff besides academic. And I find it depressing, and always point to the university for the blame - the environment, the Chinese domination, stereotyping thinking, the confined syllabus, the ignorant students and the list goes on. But yet, he never complains, and he always has the time to pursue his dream or passion - which I ponder deeply on why I have been reduced so much all these years while watching him soaring higher each day. Why am I unable to fight for what I believe, dream? Why he can make more changes than me in this world? Why am I unable to enjoy my youth with wider expansion and better fufillment as a fully-functional being with a defined and invidualistic consciousness unlike him? Max Ehrmann once said:

“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself”

But to an extent, I believe everyone needs a substance - solid one - to act as a reflection for oneself to measure - especially those are leading a carefree, ignorant and naive life. At the same time, what Ehrmann has said is the truth as well. But I refused to believe that my capability and effort are blocked by an invisible full stop when each time I am unable or unsure of how to continue.

Or is that my punishment, for snoozing for at least 20 minutes every morning, calling it a night although plenty of works are yet to be completed, being too lenient with sleepiness, oversleeping a nap on the couch when even the phone alarm has given up, being too idealistic sometimes and not permitting flexibility towards course members, failing to divide time properly, unable to finish the books that are sedimented by layers of dust on them, accidental waste of resources while preaching others about being negligent, permitting myself to some laze and leniency, bitching about others hypocritically sometimes even in the heart while trying to be a Buddha, turning insensitive and hostile when being selfish and self-preserving, allowing regret and surrender to take over sometimes, blaming on people and academic for the lack of time including the national education system, incompentency to learn and keep on track on anything, inability to multitask without distracted and forgetful, and watching an episode of Gundam 00 and sometimes a movie each week?

* * *

Right now, my puffy eyes are on the edge of giving up - while my thoughts are circulating around the reports due this coming early week, tutorials and revisions that I have purposedly put off for this competition despite its mental reasoning is crumbling quickly. How about my fight for a better world? Is education going to overshadow my passion and strong belief? How about dreams - or money? My family - will I jeopardise their hope that they envision in me? What if I am no difference from the others without realising when striving for perfection and idealism?

Before I joined the competition, I had started to fear. Fear that if I were not able to advance to the finals, to go to England on behalf of this country. Fear that my journey stops before there - journey to change this world, journey that will help me to make this world a better place, journey that will influence people, journey that will help me to influence people better, journey that will allow me discover myself further, journey for the egoistical self-recognition for emotional comfort and confidence assurance. That I am out of ideas in making my surrounding a better place for everyone and everybody to be a better man. That I am too weak to change people, to live my dreams, to uphold my principles and ambition that have become the basis of my existence now that will ensure my sanity in this filthy, corrupted world inhabited with humanoid vermins.

However, I realised, before leaving the venue, a staff told us that despite it was printed between the age of 16 and 20, that participants are still eligible if they have yet to turn 21 before the finals in UK; that I am still eligible next year. What I have previously worried as well, that this year would be my last year to leave behind an effective legacy among my community since I would be turning 20 this year, have gone - but parts of the doubt still remain as my ability to cope with a harder and more hectic next year has yet to be ascertained.

The ponder goes on.