When crono's strucked by emo-ism...

This is usually the best time to become emo – seriously. In the midst of

confusion
university lectures and long hours (two evenings until 7.30pm each week - !~@#$%^&*+?=<)
fatigue
disorientation
nightly practice (stretches all the way to midnight sometimes)
boredom

I am

bruised (right knee and thigh, and other areas)
exhausted
battered (with a still bleeding right toe)
sprained (right shoulder)
worried
unable to sleep well
academically-incompetent
financially stricken
numbed (of emotions, movement, of my life)
emo (certainly, like DUHHH! right now - hullooooo)

And I am constantly bugged by

reports (when it contributes no marks at all, except for the final few)
Metabolism I notes-making (thanks to an arrogant bitch who refuses to give us notes)
Microbiology notes-making (solved: my quick-thinking, sly brain saved many people from the unnecessary trouble)
revision and subsequently tests and quizzes (ARGHHHHHHH *pulling hair)
assignments (when I have not started one bit and while I have to supervise my members)
6.15 performance
family negligence
lack of rest and sleep (when I am unable to sleep)
psychotic-agitation
wallet-discussion
overseas industrial training procedures (airfare, visa, expenses – that’s why I am broke lahhh)
likely to forgo HAD Cherating trip (broke)
very likely to be excluded from year-end HAD concert (overseas industrial training)
a very broken social life
potential to just drop-dead-sick (don’t ask how sick it can be; just a slight hint: when I am sick, it really scares the hell out of everyone)
being emo right now (soooooooooo unlike me)

Ignore the rest above, the real entry starts here:

The list above just proves that once again, I screw up myself completely. Seeking to improve myself and to gauge how far I am able to push myself; it began with a wrong mindset, an over-confident and stubborn ego, and a risky approach just to break away from uni norm.

It is worsened by bad time management, impulsive ego that does not know one's capacity, and a malfunctioned brain from overloading. Over the days, when I start to give less thought for myself and people around me, when words and stories from afar stop making sense to me, when I am unable to convey out the tunes that my mind and heart are dancing together – that’s where emo will settle in the deepest and darkest part of myself. It manifested from worries and doubts, while feeds on a weak mind. It spurs man to become wicked, and causes them stagnant amidst the rapid flowing time and space continuum around them.

I could feel myself slowly fragmenting into irretrievable pieces. Isolating myself from people with a shrouded mind of qualms due to frail connections of thoughts, but yet feeling restless without them, I am stuck somewhere between the lines of my life. And somehow, from one perspective it might sound nerdy, my hyperactive brains are malnourished from intellectual development. And weird enough, I feel sad because my brains feel the same way. The only things that are in order right now are my room and my first report.

I have always believed that I am someone. Every great man and woman starts from being that someone. Not necessarily to be on the headlines or in the list of Time’s or Forbes' Top 100 Most Influential People, but at least someone who will bring changes to my own family, people around me - for good. But at times, I am too greedy and selfish that I am not willing to put my life as an expense. And my ego, who wants to be different, who urges to be superior, refuses to be like them – 'blondes' usually it calls them (like this Sor Poh I know...). Trying to be a profound mixture of Buddha, Einstein, Bono, Obama, Paul-Satre and a family man – man, that’s gotta be so hard.

If I am trying to be the holy-smartass divine mentioned above, being emo will just keep me stumbling. Penning down these impulsive ramblings does not help one bit, even to soothe my nervousness a little bit. But I guess I have to move on, and if I really screw up – let’s just see what causality has installed then for my wisdom. And I am very sure until today, I am never a believer of luck, fate, destiny or whatever you name that crap.

But I still love what I do for the moment - dancing, reading, hanging out with friends, chatting over dinner with family, hitting the hills, rivers or pools, uni life...errr...maybe hahahahaha. The only things I am remorsed over now are that I spend less time with my parents, seeing less of my buddies, friends and pet-bro's and a constant bleeding toe that's going to impede my practice and hopefully not my performance nights. Going to wear flip flops into laboratory....screw it.

p/s KL SGM is celebrating its 20th anniversary with cultural and artistic extravaganzas this coming weekend nights (13th to 15th June 2007). Entrance to the approximately 1 hour plus performance is free of charge and on the basis of tickets. Call me for those whoever who are interested to attend so that I can seek tickets for you all. Cheers.